My wife and I popped into the education store to shop for our kid’s education and began to browse the offerings on the various shelves.
“Look Jane”, I said. “Here is a really great package. It seems to concentrate on what they call “the Three R’s”. Real subjects instead of the touchy-feely stuff today.”
“Yes, Dick,” she said, And look, the men teachers wear jackets and ties, the women, dresses or suits. They look like teachers and the students respect them. Maybe even fear them a little. Best of all, the students are held accountable. Looks like they actually fail and re-do the year if they don’t master the subjects.”
“And Jane, did you notice there in the principal’s office? That little paddle. It’s called the “Board of Education”. Betcha they don’t have a discipline problem in this package. Let’s get it”
“Sorry, but this is obsolete and no longer available,” said the clerk, who appeared out of nowhere. “It was quite popular and very effective but was discontinued in the fifties as the education system became more preoccupied with providing students with self-esteem without making them work for it.”
“Well how about this one,” Jane said. “It provides almost the same product with great results. And it looks like you can put lots of kids into it, thereby reducing the per student cost. It’s in Japanese. Do you have one in English?”
“Sorry but it is not available in the US. It has never been translated because larger class sizes won’t work here. American kids are too undisciplined, you see. You need the add-on package of “Responsible Parents” who have already implemented the “Sit Still Shut Up and Listen To The Teacher or I Will Kick Your Butt” package. Sadly, “Responsible Parent” packages are becoming increasingly rare… Apparently phased out by the “My Kid Would Never Do That” package.”
“Well, here is another,” Jane said. “And I really like it. It looks like it minimizes the role of the state in the funding process.”
“Yeah,” I said, looking over shoulder. “It looks like the parents do not have to send their money to the state and hope some of it comes back to their district. The money is sort of attached to the kid. And the parent can then send the kid – and the money – to the school of their choice.”
“Hey, that’s a great idea,” said Jane. “If the school is good, then it attracts students. If it is bad, then no one goes to that school. Schools have to compete for the students – and money.”
“Uh huh, just like, say, a restaurant. If the food is good, people go there and it prospers. If it is bad, it fails. And disappears. More important, it looks the teachers are held accountable. And fired, if required.”
“That’s the European model,” said the clerk. “It’s not available here either. By and large, it seems that the teachers’ unions don’t really like that bit about firing incompetent teachers.”
“Well what about this one. Great results and it includes religious education and practical instruction in subjects that you need in everyday life. The curriculum is up to the parents themselves.”
Looking at it, the clerk said, “That one is available but, when you read the fine print, you can see it is the Home School package. The parents do determine the curriculum because they are, in fact, the teachers. This is not for everyone, though, because one or both of the parents need to be home to teach.
Well that won’t work for us. What is available?
“Well,” said the clerk, “The one most often ordered is the public education package. While it is pretty expensive, it is not very good. And most of them arrive broken.”
“Huh,” we said together.
“Yes,” she said. “It is a government monopoly costing thousands of dollars per student who are taught by seniority-based unionized teachers who can’t be fired and who have, over the past 30 years, dragged the American education system down to that of a third-rate banana republic.”
“Wait Honey, Jane yelled excitedly, “Look at this one! It has everything we want. And even if it is way over our budget, let’s get it”.
“Sorry”, said the clerk, shaking her head. “That one is completely full with a really long waiting list. It’s located in Washington DC and is used almost exclusively for sons and daughters of our politicians. You know, the ones that are telling us how good our school system is….”
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